Relationships, Regret, and Responsibility

This morning I read an article in my Facebook newsfeed that left me feeling rather emotional. It told the tragic story of a teenage girl with “high-functioning autism” who was murdered by her biological mother.

This mother gave her baby up for adoption. For 15 years, the adoptive mother raised her. Until one day, she got herself a new boyfriend that the teenage girl simply did not get along with. The article did not provide any further detail about that. The adoptive mother chose the new boyfriend over her daughter, returning her to the biological mother. Said mother accepted her daughter back into her life. However, she somehow decided that the girl’s behaviour and the “time and money” it took to raise her was just too much to handle. So, she decided to kill her.

This whole scenario made me stop to think and reflect. I thought of my previous relationship. I stayed way too long in a relationship in which it was made abundantly clear that my child was not welcome. Why did I stay? Good question.

I have no defense for the decisions I made, for my actions and choices. The mistakes I made are my own. I accept that, and take full responsibility. No one forced me to do the things I did. I simply did what I thought was right at the time.

Perhaps I thought that, given enough time, my partner might change his mind. After all, he did accept Victor in the beginning. At least he seemed to. Maybe, just maybe, he’d come around. Maybe I was content with the restrictions the situation imposed on the relationship. I did truly enjoy this man’s company, but deep down I knew it was not going to last. Or maybe I just wanted to be able to say that I gave the relationship every possible chance I could to survive. I cannot honestly answer the question “Why did I stay?”

At the heart of it all, my belief was, and still is, if you do not have room in your life for my child, you do not have room in your life for me. My child will always come first. That’s what being a parent means. I have little to no respect for any person who puts their own needs ahead of their child’s well being. And that includes myself. I’ve had my own demons to face.

I have certain regrets for the decisions I made. Things I should have done (like sever the strings of the relationship when it was made crystal clear that my son had no role in this man’s life). Things I should not have done (that is a long list!). Lots of things I should have done differently. However, what’s done is done. All I can do is pick up the pieces, learn from my mistakes, and move on.

And move on I did. Two years ago I went for coffee with an old friend. Not expecting anything more than to reminisce about the old days and catch up on what had been going on in each other’s lives, I had no way of knowing that night would change my life forever. There has not been a single day since then that we have not seen each other.

Not long after that first coffee date, we sat on the swing in my parents’ backyard, as had become our custom. As we sat in the darkening evening, conversation took on a serious tone. Dave opened up about his health issues. He told me about Ankylosing Spondylitis, how it affected him, and what his future might look like. It is a distinct possibility that he could be in a wheelchair later in life. How far into the future is anyone’s guess. He did not want me to feel burdened caring for someone with such limitations. I asked him questions about it, but mostly just listened. After a few quiet moments, I told him about Victor. I described life with an autistic child, and what that future held.

Apparently, it didn’t scare either of us off. A short time later, Dave proposed. Not only to me, but to Victor as well. Of course, it meant nothing to Vic, but it meant the world to me. That simple act proved to me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this man would love us both forever. Unconditionally. Needless to say, I accepted that proposal.

How does this tie into the article I read? Every child deserves to be treated the way Dave treats Vic. With respect. Dignity. Love. No child should ever be rejected “in the name of love.” When you have a child, it is your responsibility to do what is right for that child. We all make mistakes, but ultimately, your child and his well-being should always be your priority, not your regret.

My heart aches for Savannah, who probably never experienced the acceptance and love that Victor has. Who never had the support and freedom to be who she was meant to be. And oddly enough, I feel sad that her parents never got to enjoy her unique personality and all the amazing gifts she had to offer.