Raising Teenagers

Prior to living with Victor, I had already helped raise four teenagers in a previous relationship. While I sometimes questioned it, all four were what would be called neurotypical, at least as far as that description can be applied to any teenager. Each of the four was an individual and presented individual challenges, and then there were the challenges presented by having the four of them under one roof.

Raising NT adolescents, I survived teenage rebellion and anger issues. I dealt with academic problems, social problems, and bullying. I dealt with broken curfews, underage drinking, dyed hair, secret piercings, and tattoos. I taught them to drive, I helped with homework, and I refereed the constant conflict in the home. When the two oldest were together, I called them the Mythbusters. I dealt with a wide variety of gadgets, experiments, explosions, and first aid. I watched them turn from pubescent creatures into real people as their frontal lobes developed.

Most of these experiences are irrelevant to helping to raise Victor. In terms of personality and interests, he is very much a giant pre-schooler. However, there are elements of teenage rebellion starting to peek through. He will argue, nag, and bargain to try to get his own way. He will get angry when he does not. He has outbursts. He can be aggressive. The difference is that there is no malice in his intent; he has adolescent hormones mixed with child-like innocence.

Victor is big and strong. For the time being at least, I am bigger and stronger. On occasion I have had to restrain him. I hate doing it; it makes me feel sick to my stomach, as if I am the worst kind of bully. Still, he has the ability to be unintentionally dangerous. I have had to step in when he became upset with a stranger in a public bathroom. I have had to step in when he grabbed his mother around the neck. Not that she can’t handle him; she is the foremost expert in the field. Nonetheless, my imposing size and deep voice have been useful more than once.

It is difficult to tell how much of Victor’s aggression is due to his autism and the inherent frustration with trying to express himself, how much of it is juvenile tantrums, and how much of it is the result of his physiological maturing. Regardless of the root cause, however, it is something on which we need to focus, and soon. Recently, Victor has been out of control in terms of hyperactivity, noise level, and obsessive behavior. To some extent, this is normal for August. He is ready for the structure of school. In a few more years, though, he will finish school and not have that structure in his life. That gives us a few years to come up with a plan, but the immediate concern is how we help him right now.

Victor can be a charmer. For every growl there are ten smiles. For every minute of aggression, there is an hour of giggling. For every moment you wonder if it’s worth it, there is at least one heart-warming hug. What is important to remember is that, as difficult as these transitional years are for us, they are more so for him. Keep going, buddy. We’ll be here.