Getting to Know Victor and Judy

I first met Judy 25 years ago. We had mutual friends, but we went our separate ways. I got married and moved across the country, and she got married and had Victor.

Fast forward to our mid 40’s. Judy is a single mom with a teenaged son on the Autism Spectrum, and I am widowed, living alone, my four step-children from my previous marriage living in western Canada. Judy and I ran into each other at the store where she worked. We had long been Facebook friends, but that was about the extent of our interaction. I asked her if she would like to meet for coffee and perhaps reminisce about old times, perhaps fill each other in on the decades since we had hung around together. She accepted. Best coffee date EVER. We have not spent a full day apart since.

It is not easy for a single parent to start a relationship. I knew from previous experience, however, that starting a relationship with a mother also meant starting a relationship with the child. I felt I was in a good position; I am a highly trained educator. I spent over twenty years teaching, and I have extensive experience with special needs teens and adults. I have already raised four children through their teenage years. I was ready. Or so I thought.

Getting to know Victor has been an exercise in patience. He can be trying. He can be difficult to communicate with. He can be stubborn. Sometimes the OCD related to his autism can be a challenge. One smile, though, one giggle, one look at the genuine love between him and his mother, and he will have you hooked. The Boy is a charmer like few others.

I missed the difficult years of Victor’s aggression and never sleeping. I wish I could have been there to help Judy through it, but I was dealing with my own issues on the other side of the country for most of it. I came along at the time of the happy, loving Victor, the Victor who loves to dance, who giggles at his movies and computer videos, who loves his bedtime stories, who loves to take my hand, look me in the face from inches away, and demand, “Dave smiling!”

To some extent, I can identify with Victor. While I am not on the Autism Spectrum (as far as I know), I have Tourette’s Syndrome. I can identify with his need to gesture and repeat. I can empathize with his compulsions, with his sense that things must be done in a certain way or the world will end, even if nobody else can see why.

I love Victor’s humor, and I love the ironic situations that sometimes happen with him. I know all teenagers do things that are inexplicable to others, but Victor sets a new standard in that field. I have long talked about writing a book about my experiences with my first four step-children, with the working title of Get That Vacuum Cleaner Out of Your Nose. Victor may well wind up with an entire series of books about him, the first of which will be called Victor! Stop Licking That Car!

Judy and I are often asked how we met. I joke with people that I answered an online ad: “Wanted: Man With Own Dishwasher and Pool. Must Be Larger and Stronger Than Autistic Teenager. Martial Arts Training an Asset.” The truth is, I was just lucky enough to find these people and have them accept me into their lives.